What’s Beneath Your Anger?
When I envision who I want to be as a mother, anger isn’t a part of it. But in the realities of motherhood, anger, and lesser versions of it, like annoyance and irritation, enter the scene rather often.
Anger is a unique emotion. It is a core emotion and a valid one, but it is unique among emotions in that, when it arises for us, it means other emotions are present, too. If you picture an iceberg, there is the part of the iceberg that is above the water that you can see, but there is also a whole lot of iceberg below the water that is not visible to us. Anger is like what you see above the water, but below the anger, oftentimes initially outside our vision and consciousness, are other emotions.
Let’s look at an example.
You are prepping dinner, and your toddler is grabbing at your legs wanting to be held, and your older child is yelling at you from the other room, but you can’t quite decipher what they are saying over the sound of cooking. The grabbing and the yelling keep going and going until you loudly set the cooking utensil down and shout, “What?!”
Yes, anger is there. But here’s what else is there —
Exhaustion from a long day
Ovewhelm from overstimulation
Hunger from not feeding yourself enough throughout the day
Stress from trying to do several different things at one time
Guilt or shame from not being able to meet everyone’s needs all of the time
All this naming will not make the anger go away; the anger will still be there, as will the other emotions you identify. But, when you can name what else is there, you can hold your anger, versus your anger holding you. When you know what you are dealing with, you can be in more control over how you respond, because how you respond to anger likely looks different than how you respond to sadness. So, if you can identify that sadness is actually underneath your anger, then you can respond accordingly.
While I didn’t envision much anger in my motherhood, I was realistic enough to envision the other emotions. So by naming these other emotions beneath the anger, compassion flows forth through the shame that was there when I only named my anger. I’m finally able to take that deep breath that I too easily forget to take when I’m stuck in just anger. And I’m able to be much kinder to myself.
No, I don’t always show up to motherhood the way I envisioned. But I’m human, in all its messiness and emotional whirlwinds, I’m human. And you are, too, sweet mama. So, next time anger comes up for you, give it it’s space. It’s a valid emotion to feel. But, also find curiosity to wonder what other emotions may be underneath that anger.
And through this naming, may you find grace for yourself to be human. As we try so hard to have patience for the little humans we are raising, we, mamas, deserve patience, too.
Warmly,
Kylie
