I love a to-do list. In fact, there are few times within my day that I don’t have one running through my mind. The calm and peace I feel when a list is completed, or a task is finished, is rather addictive. My youngest son has picked up this trait, and it’s interesting to watch from the outside what it has always felt like inside my head. I can see the exhale released and the calm that covers him as he makes his way fully through a routine or task he is working on.
This way of living worked out quite alright, with minimal pushback, until I became a parent. Now I have two boys who have no awareness of my to-do lists and plenty of awareness of the 1,001 places they want to run to and explore, or need my help with, or want me to see. This means I rarely cross things off my to-do lists. Or, much to my past self’s horror, many things on my to-do list only get partway done.
I’ll admit, even when I'm in my best mental place, this bothers me. I imagine I’ll always feel a tinge of defeat as I walk away from dishes partway done, move away from a half-folded pile of laundry, or leave the house before the floors have been vacuumed.
But when I’m at my best, I find one question tends to settle this defeat into its own small spot at my emotional table, still there but not too loud or consuming.
Instead of asking myself what needs to get done, I ask myself what needs my presence.
And even though I have things I want to get done, my dishes, laundry, and chores rarely need my undivided attention. But my two boys, in the prime early-childhood years, often do.
This question isn't drastic, but it has noticeably affected my feelings of defeat and overwhelm from having so much I’m trying to do. Now, stuff around the house and for my work still needs to be done, so my to-do lists are still there. But when I start to notice anxiety is increasing and my patience is running low because I can’t get the things done on my to-do list, I turn to this reframe, take a deep breath, and find much-needed grounding moving forward, knowing I am choosing to move forward with what needs my presence.
Yes, I do eventually go back and finish the things I was in the middle of. And yes, I still greatly enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and completion when I finish my to-do lists. But I find the overall result is much more enjoyable when I can flexibly hold what needs my presence and follow it wherever it may.
So next time, your to-do list is running through your head, and you look around your house, and it only feels like the list gets longer and longer, settle in. Yes, chores do need to be completed. But as far as where to begin and how we go about accomplishing those needs, perhaps trying to hold the question of what needs my presence is the place to begin.
